Cleaning Out My Closet

This might get a little personal, or a lot actually.
Parental discretion is advised.

When I was 10, shit, I believed I could fly
I would just flap my fucking arms and try to meet with the sky
And in my mind I’d envision that I was speaking with God
And then I’d chop his fucking fist off and beat him with mine
But this is just a fucking portion of the war with my mind
So Ima take you fuckers back in through the vortex of time
When I was 7, envision me at the bottom of stairs
And I solemnly swear that this is the truth, no fallacy here
See I was young, man. I was just a toddler, a kid
And he wasn’t the first to successfully try what he did,
He took me to the basement and after the lights had been cut
He whipped it out and sodomized and forced his cock through my gut
See, it was weird because I felt like I was losing my mind
And then it happened like it happened like millions of times
And I would swear that I would tell but they would think I was lying
And now the power that he held was like a beacon of mine
So now I got used to it, I put up with the shit
And now my hate was so volcanically eruptive and shit
But this is nothing cuz I guess he told his friend what he’d do
And they ate it up, shit, I was like a buffet for two
And then it happened in a home where every fucking one knew
And ain’t do shit but fucking blame it on youth
I’m sorry Mom but I really used to blame it on you
But even you, by then, wouldn’t know what to do
And now it happened so often that he was getting particular
And I’m more scared every time, word to my speeding ventricular
One night he came home and I was sleep in my bed
He climbed on top of me and forced himself between my legs
He told me, „hey Rae, I see you like them popsicle sticks
So put your mouth on my dick and suck and swallow the spit“
And I was confused, but I was scared, so I did what he said
I had no idea the effect it would have on my head
My heart was pumping, it was thumping, with like tons of my fear
Imagine being seven seeing cum in your underwear
I know it’s nasty but sometimes I’d even bleed from my butt
Disgusting, right? now, let that feeling ring through your guts
I thought of offing myself. I thought of killing these niggas
Wanted to take a fucking brick and push their teeth through their liver
Wanted to smash the fucking world and burn it’s leftover parts
Wanted to rip it out and just fucking step on my heart
Then I grew up and I wasn’t within the reach of these men
But that didn’t keep me out the mutherfucking reach of my sin
And psychologically, I was just as fucked as they come
I was confused. I had to prove I wasn’t fucked from the jump
I was afraid of myself. I had no love for myself.
I tried to kill, I tried to hide, I tried to run from myself
There was a point in my life where I didn’t like who I was,
So I’d create the other people I would try to become.
Sexuality came into play and with as scarred as I was
I was extremely scared of men, so I start liking girls
I started starving myself, fucked up my bodily health
I didn’t want to be attractive to nobody else
I didn’t want the appeal, wanted to stunt my own growth
But there’s a fuckin‘ reason behind every scar that I show
I never got to be a kid so that’s as far as I grow
My mental state is out of date and that’s as far as I know
My biggest problem was fear, and what being fearful could do
It made me run, it made me hide, it made me scared of the truth
I’m not deranged anymore. I’m not the same anymore
I mean I’m sane, but I’m insane, but not the same as before
I had to deal with my shit. I had to look at my truth
To understand that to grow you got to look at your roots
I had to cut off the dead. I had to make myself proud
And I’m just standing, living, breathing proof, look at me now
I made it through everything. I made you look like a clown
I’m fucking great, can’t fucking hate you, nigga, look at me now
And I’m just saying this to tell you there’s a way from the ground
The makings of a legend are often hidden in trials,
So just be strong and just move on and just accept what you can,
Because it makes your story better when you read it. The end.

Yeah.

There’s a story behind every single scar that I show
I made it out, this a „me“ nobody’s gotten before
I had to open my wounds. I had to bleed til I stopped it.
Thanks for joining me here as I clean out my closet.
I said, I opened my wounds. I had to bleed till I stopped it.
Thanks for joining me here as I clean out my closet. Check.